Sauced Up With Mark Members bourbonbroz@gmail.com

Each week Bourbon- Broz’ own Mark Members responds to your emails.

31 July, 2018

I received a $50 gift card to Total Wine as a high school graduation gift. Would you recommend splurging on one great bottle of bourbon, or stockpile a bunch of lower shelf brands? -Todd from Spooner, WI

You live in Spooner, brother. Jim Beam is top shelf shit there. I’d look for old dusty 1.75’s of Cabin Still and grab as many as you can. Winters are long in Washburn County, Todd.

Why can’t I find Old Yeller 12, Special Reserve, or Antique 107 in stores anywhere in the midwest? Any thoughts on how to locate anyone of these elusive bourbons? -Scott from Phoenix, AZ

No clue, Scotty Dog. I’ve been barkin’ up that Old Yeller tree for months and the most I get from a cashier is a chuckle. Oddly enough I get the same reaction when I ask for Blinten’s, Kentucky Crow, and Wallet’s 80th Anniversary.

 

24 July, 2018

I’m heading on a business trip to New Jersey in a few weeks. I’m wondering what should I do if some high-rollin’ Atlantic City sweathogs try to buy me a “fruity” drink while pounding em’ down at Margaritaville? -Doug (No. St. Paul, MN).

Well, Doug, that depends on who’s buying. If those AC ladies have been spending too much time with Pencil-Necked Geeks to know what a real man looks like, you’re probably going to be getting freebies all night. Slam the Pina Colada in one shot, slam the glass down on the table hard enough to crack the bottom and send the umbrella flying, and tell those Jersey Shore pigs that you’re a bourbon man. If you’re comfortable with it, add in a hip thrust/swivel and tell them you prefer Pappy.

 

-If I decide to travel to Kentucky via airplane, what’s the best way to find weed or other mind altering substances? – Anonymous.

Ask a bartender or traffic cop; they normally know where to find the good shit. If you strike out there, start asking around for people who listen to Joe Rogan’s podcast. If that fails, ask around for a “Tough Guy Tattoo”, which in Kentucky means a dime bag of weed and three rails of nose candy.

 

-Hey Mark. I heard you tried to hook-up with my girlfriend while you were visiting Frankfort. Fuck-off city slicker and fuck your Cooter Bait! -Jed (Middlesboro, KY).

First of all Jed, she ain’t your girl. Jen was on bofadeeznuts when I walked in the door of that rickety-ass restaurant and she came up with a “you forgot to pay for your drinks” scheme as an excuse to follow me to my rental Miata. When I finished the Buffalo Trace Ghost Tour and saw her standing near my car, well, there’s not a whole lot I could do. You’ll never understand a Northern Man, Jed!

 

17 July,  2018

-Why do some whiskeys / bourbons list numbers or years in their names?.ex.  Michters 10, I.W. Harper 15, Eagle rare 17 and 1792? -Jim (WV).

It depends on the bourbon, brother! Some of them list how many years the bourbon has been in the bottle (Jack is in the bottle for 7 years before they can sell it), some of them list how many bottles per barrel (there’s 23 bottles of Pappy in each barrel), and some of them list how many shots it takes to get you over the legal BAC limit (e.g. you can have 9 shots of Michters and still be ok to drive).

 

-Hypothetically, how could you make a decent bourbon with limited resources?-Inmate #2503  (LaGrange, KY).

Here’s a trick I learned from my time in Chino: Grab a hamburger bun all the juice you can get your hands on, a dozen sugar packets (just grab them from a Perkins if you don’t want to use a whole box) and a few apples that are just about rotten. Dump all that into a big ziplock, beat the hell out of it, and run it under hot water a few times a day for a week. Once the week is up, strain the liquid into the wood box you still have from shop class and let it age for about four years. If you have a propane/MAPP torch, feel free to set the wood box on fire before dumping the liquid in.

 

-If you could create a drink based on one of your ex-girlfriends, what would it be named and what would the ingredients be? -Jason S. (Siren, WI).

Well, shit, I guess I’d name that concoction a “Custody Battle”. One part Old Tub (the best shit I can afford these days), one part Seagram’s 7 (how many years I was with her), and one part sour (reminds me of how much that bitch nagged me).